Alaa Jaffar
© Orlando Florin Rosu #193759941, source: stock.adobe.com 2019
Imagine a dog jumping onto you as you shop in a grocery store. You are not interested in adopting him so you leave him alone.
Surprisingly, it pulls your trousers so you attempt to get rid of it. You shout, try to distract it but this dog won’t leave you. Wherever you go, it follows you all the way to the parking area.
When you get back home It is at your doorstep, just sitting there waiting for you. You may not have invited it into your world, but it sure isn’t leaving.
You take a deep breath, exhale slowly and take a good, long look at this dog. It isn’t scary. It just seems so needy, always scrambling for attention. You bend down and pet the dog. Amazingly, the dog calms down.
The dog is like our emotions. Whenever, we try to run away from them or bury them, they get stronger. Maybe, you are like me in thinking that when I avoid unpleasant emotions, I will be better. But, the truth is when we numb sadness, we also numb the happiness and joy.
So how do we deal with our emotions?
Thoughts and feeling connection
“We are what we think. All that we arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.”
- Buddha
Our emotions are intricately connected to our thoughts. The connection between feelings and thoughts was first explained by Aaron Beck (1976), a psychiatrist known for founding cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Here’s how thoughts connect to emotions:
1) A situation arises
2) You have a thought
3) The thought stirs up an emotion
4) Your emotion triggers more and more thoughts, which triggers stronger and stronger emotions.
5) Your behavior follows these thoughts and emotions. You act in ways that bring about similar situations, which then reinforce your negative thoughts, and the cycle repeats itself.
For example, a man cut off you on the highway. You think: "That guy is a jerk. He thinks he owns the road. This isn’t fair”. So you become angry. Your anger triggers thoughts: “He thinks he is better than I am. I will show him”. These thoughts lead you to become furious. Your behavior will reflect your emotions and cut him off the road.
Breaking away the negative thoughts
The solution is to have a new, alternative thought like; Maybe it was an accident?, maybe he didn’t do it on purpose?
Try to develop the ability to weigh information, to look at a situation from many angles to make balanced realistic thoughts.
Also, consider the evidence a skill that will allow you to make the kind of realistic interpretations that lead to a good healthy sense of self.
For instance, the thought: Nothing ever goes my way; it isn’t fair.
Evidence that this is true: I didn’t get the grade I want, even when I studied hard. Also, I argued with my friends again.
Evidence that this is not 100 % true: I didn’t get the grade I want but I have got high grades previously. I can start again and I have the opportunity now to make a difference. I will admit my mistakes, learn from them and move forward. Even though I argued with my friends, we still love each other. Probably, the next time I will see them, they will forget about what happened like every other time.
Balanced evaluation: Sometimes things don’t turn out the way I want and I don’t get the things I think I need, but we always get through it, I think I have a lot to be grateful for.
What can you do to improve the situation? I can keep a gratitude journal to stay focused on the positives and I will develop my problem-solving skills to get through the hardships in my life.
In the end, remember it isn’t just your emotions or even your thoughts that truly cause problems in your life; it’s the way you respond to them.
Reference:
The mindfulness workbook: a guide to coping with the grief, stress and anger that trigger addictive behaviors Rebecca E.williams PhD
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