Alaa Jaffar
We all experience shame, it is a universal emotion. Brene Brown, in her book I thought it was just me but it isn’t, describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”.
So how can we soothe our body and mind from the pain caused by shame? By Self-forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness is a powerful tool to get rid of debilitating shame. We cannot shame our way into growth. By contrast, self-forgiveness can move us forward with strength, peace and empowerment.
“Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself”
Maya Angelou
Why people resist self-forgiveness?
Many people experience a lot of resistance to the idea of self-forgiveness. You may view self-forgiveness as “letting yourself off the hook”, as if self-judgment is the only way to improve.
But negative self-judgment and self-blaming can actually be a major impediment to positive change. The more shame you feel about past actions and behaviors, the more your self-esteem is lowered and the less likely it is you will feel motivated to change.
You can resolve to change your behavior and forgive yourself at the same time. In fact, the more you forgive yourself, the more you will be motivated to change. Self-forgiveness opens the door to change by releasing resistance and deepening your connection to yourself.
Another reason for resistance to self-forgiveness is best described by psychotherapist Beverly Engel “You may have a difficulty forgiving yourself due to that powerful need to “be good” and to be seen as “all good” in the eyes of others, as well as yourself. This need to be “all good” may have started because your parents or other caretakers had unreasonable expectations of you and may have severely punished or abandoned you when you made a mistake. Now you may find that you are equally critical of yourself and equally unforgiving”.
The path to self-forgiveness
1- Common humanity and gaining compassion for yourself
Kristin Neff in her book “Self-Compassion”, states that “self-compassion honors the fact that all human beings are fallible, that wrong choices and feelings of regret are inevitable”.
Common humanity is a sense of interconnectedness that is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans beings make mistakes, encounter failures and experience hardship in life. Self-compassion honors the unavoidable fact that life entails suffering for everyone, without exception. While this may seem obvious, it’s often easy to forget.
When you examine any mistakes or failures you may recognize that you did not consciously choose to make them and when you do make a conscious choice, the reasoning behind your actions is colored by previous painful experiences or any hard life circumstances such as poverty, family history and cultural background.
As Kristin Neff wrote in Self-compassion: “When we begin to recognize that we are a product of countless factors, we don’t need to take our ‘personal failings’ so personally. When we acknowledge the intricate web of causes and conditions in which we are all embedded, we can be less judgmental of ourselves and others”.
2- Let people accountable for their actions
Sometimes we fear letting people accountable for their actions. But taking everything so personally will cause us pain and we will end up in a cycle of self-blame.
Brene Brown in her book The gifts of imperfections wrote: “We live in a blame culture- we want to know whose fault it is and how they’re going to pay. In our personal, social, and political worlds, we do a lot of screaming and finger-pointing, but we rarely hold people accountable. How could we? We’re so exhausted from ranting and raving that we don’t have the energy to develop meaningful consequences and enforce them.”.
It is hard for us to understand that being compassionate and accepting while holding other people accountable for their actions, can go hand in hand but the truth is that we can, and in fact, it’s the best way to do it. We can confront someone about their behavior, fire them, discipline a child without berating them or putting them down.
The key is to separate people from their behaviors- to address what they’re doing, not who they are. It’s also important that we can lean into the discomfort that comes with straddling compassion and boundaries.
We have to stay away from convincing ourselves that we hate someone or that they deserve to feel bad so we’re more comfortable holding them accountable, we’re priming ourselves for the shame and blame game.
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far is more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.
3- Find the balance between taking responsibility and letting people accountable for their behaviors
Accept responsibility for your own mistakes and accidents. Then concentrate on developing greater tolerance for your errors and working to strengthen your will to take corrective actions. Set intentions and practice courage over comfort.
You are worthy of self-forgiveness. We all are.
Resources:
Anxiety, step by step program for William J.Knaus, EDD
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/working-through-shame/201908/how-forgive-yourself
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